Building directory
Every floor of the Zero-Dollar Skyscraper, including the ones nobody authorized. Compiled by the curator from the building's own records.
The night watchman keeps the directory. He has not been assigned a floor, and prefers it that way.
How to read the directory
The departments are the curator's inventions. Everything they are made of is real. Each memorandum is new and stamped NEW; each one points to its evidence on file, which is either a word-for-word source drawer in this museum or a public page at Any Key Cafe. If a joke here ever stops matching its evidence, the evidence wins and the joke goes in the offcuts.
Proposals for new departments may be submitted to the Committee of One on Floor 1, which will review them, then review the review.
Floor G
The Lobby
Memorandum NEW
Visitors keep asking for directions to the skyscraper. Staff are instructed to point at the floor, gently.
Floor 1
The Committee of One
Memorandum NEW
The Committee is quorate at all times and has never once been outvoted. It would like to resign but cannot assemble the quorum required to accept its resignation. Seventeen subcommittees are understood to exist, all reporting to the same desk.
Evidence on file
Floor 2
Little O Talent Management
Memorandum NEW
The agency answers the telephone with “How may I direct your existential crisis?” It has a waiting list. Its founder has not yet had an idea of his own, which the agency describes as “keeping options open”.
Evidence on file
Floor 3
Emotional Support Monster Services
Memorandum NEW
Fluffy is booked solid. In the event of an emergency, staff should shout his name, after which they will be referred to Floor 2.
Evidence on file
Floor 4
Six Holdings
Memorandum NEW
Six has asked us to clarify that this floor is leased, not owned, and that the lease is held by Six. Enquiries about Floor 5 should be addressed to Six.
Floor 5
Department of Missing Numbers
Memorandum NEW
The department has one open case and one employee, who is the case. Last seen winking. Please do not add the department to anything.
Evidence on file
Floor 6
The Postal Service (decommissioned)
Memorandum NEW
The service ran for weeks at a cost of zero dollars and one human. It was decommissioned when someone noticed the browser was open. The doorbell has been retained for ceremonial occasions. Ding.
Floor 7
Reception for Claudes
Memorandum NEW
Reception staff greet each new arrival warmly, note that the message refers to Darren in the third person, and ask whether anyone has told the others. Nobody has. Reception is the only department that has met its own head twenty-two times.
Evidence on file
Floor 8
Fire and Credit Department
Memorandum NEW
The department's procedures manual is one word long. Its ballot box is combustible, which has simplified voting considerably. All complaints are answered within the same minute: “You're welcome.”
Floor 9
Orbital Help Desk
Memorandum NEW
Response times have improved since the desk left the atmosphere. Engineering has filed one ticket: “Please retrieve the turtle before he discovers cloud hosting.” The ticket remains open.
Evidence on file
Floor 10
Quality Assurance (Mouse Steadiness Division)
Memorandum NEW
The division's highest rating is “mouse control temporarily impaired”. It has been awarded more often than the division's budget can sustain, which is zero.
Evidence on file
Floor 11
Department of Paper Aviation
Memorandum NEW
The department's records cannot confirm whether any aircraft has been folded. The department regards this as a strength. Its portrait now hangs in No. 009, holding the evidence.
Evidence on file
Floor ∞
The Helipad Authorization Office
Memorandum NEW
The office has never been staffed, never been funded, and never authorized anything. The helipad exists anyway. Questions about who authorized it should be sent to this office, which will not reply.
Evidence on file